Everything on this page was written on or before June 8, 2022. Most of it was written years before my ex-husband filed for divorce: messages he sent me, things I told friends in private, and posts and comments I wrote at the time. None of it was written for court. The rest was written in the first half of 2022, after the protection order and before the first custody order, to friends and to people I was helping. I removed his name, my sons’ names and anything that could identify my sons. Where I quote him, the words are his. Where I quote myself, the words are mine. This is my account and my belief, tied to the records. It is not a finding by any court.
What these records show
In July 2019 my ex-husband wrote to me that it was his fault and that he had “crushed” my spirit. In 2020 and 2021, long before any court case, I told friends in private messages that I felt trapped with someone who was abusive, “mentally, physically”. In February 2021 he watched when I was online, said I should have turned my location on and FaceTimed him so he would know where I was, and told me to “pick a phone”. In March 2021 he degraded me over a photo I posted. In February 2022 he spent the night in jail after he kicked down my locked bedroom door, and I got a protection order. That spring I wrote that I still felt watched. On June 8, 2022, Judge Susan Steinhauer gave my ex-husband temporary full custody of my sons.
Quotes are word for word from my Facebook account history. I removed names, starred out swear words, and used [brackets] where I replaced a word. An ellipsis (…) marks words I left out. Times are Eastern Time (ET).
Start here: the strongest records
July 19, 2019In his own words: “it’s my fault”
Source: Facebook message (my ex-husband to me)
In the early hours of July 19, 2019, and again that morning, my ex-husband sent me a string of Facebook messages. He apologized, and he wrote that what had happened to our marriage was his fault.
“And I know it’s my fault and I’m the one that crushed your spirit and killed your feelings for me, but it doesn’t make it any easier that my wife truly doesn’t like me because I’ve been an a**hole piece of sh*t.”My ex-husband, 10:37 AM ET
My ex-husband, 3:36 AM ETI’m sorry that I’m an embarrassmentMy ex-husband, 3:44 AM ETI’m sorry I pushed you so farMy ex-husband, 3:45 AM ETI’m sorry for who I am and that I haven’t been there for youMy ex-husband, 3:47 AM ETI don’t blame you for erasing me out of Facebook and unfriending me I guess, which I just noticed, but I can’t sleep and my heart is pounding I’ve been thinking of you and writing all night
February 2020 to October 2021What I told friends while I still lived with him
Source: Facebook messages (my private messages to friends)
Years before the divorce, I told friends in private what my marriage was like. These were not posts and they were not written for anyone else to see. In October 2021, a friend asked me directly whether I was being physically abused.
February 16, 2020
“I had all that but also felt trapped living in a loveless marriage with someone who was abusive”Me, to a friend, 2:24 PM ET
“On and off for seven years”Me, 2:24 PM ET
November 6, 2020
“I grew up in a cult and married an abusive narcissistic person with parents who were also abusive so I’ve had a lot of trauma to unload and a lot of forgiveness to work on”Me, to a friend, 7:30 AM ET
“If people knew what my day to day life was they’d be astounded at how far I’ve come…”Me, 7:32 AM ET
March 26, 2021
Me, 8:58 PM ETHe was abusive - mentally, physicallyMe, 8:58 PM ETI learned to become hardened towards himMe, 8:59 PM ETHe has lots of bad programming where he sees only negative so it’s very difficult to live with
October 25, 2021
“i used to be but he hasn’t touched me in a while except for with his words - he was on and off drugs that messed with his emotional regulation…”Me, answering a friend who asked if I was being physically abused, 4:49 PM ET
“Two weeks ago he flipped out really bad on me and put me just out of it since then”Me, 4:49 PM ET
“I can’t even function lately”Me, 4:49 PM ET
February 7 and March 10, 2021Watched, questioned and degraded
Source: Facebook messages (between my ex-husband and me)
In 2021 my ex-husband watched when I was active online and questioned me about it. On February 7, 2021, he messaged me because I was not answering his calls. On March 10, 2021, he messaged me about a photo of myself I had posted.
February 7, 2021
My ex-husband, 8:45 AM ETCan’t answer my call?Me, 8:46 AM ETI don’t want to fightMy ex-husband, 8:46 AM ETSo you keep your phone off, but go on Facebook?Me, 9:05 AM ETYou’ve been attacking me all weekMy ex-husband, 9:05 AM ETWho were you just video chatting with?My ex-husband, 9:06 AM ETI could see you we’re using itMy ex-husband, 9:06 AM ETYeah, when you’re on it there’s a green dot next to itMe, 9:10 AM ETSo you’re punishing meMe, 8:00 PM ETGo focus on your party instead of harassing me constantlyMy ex-husband, 8:02 PM ETWhen you turn your phone off and use your second phone that I don’t have the number to what choice to do have than to message you here?
March 10, 2021
My ex-husband, 10:57 AM ETYou look all sexual and seductive … seriously who exactly are you posting sh*t like this for?My ex-husband, 11:00 AM ET…I’m a red blooded male, this is an extremely sexy picture and pose and everything. You just want to cause me pain and suffering?!?!My ex-husband, 11:00 AM ETWho the hell are you posting pictures like this for…?My ex-husband, 11:13 AM ETLittle hearts and kissy lips and f*** me eyes - come on, what married woman posts public pictures of themselves like that?
February 7, 2021“Pick a phone”: proving where I was
Source: Facebook messages (my ex-husband to me)
On February 7, 2021, while I was away on a trip, he kept messaging me through the day. He wrote that I should have turned my location on and FaceTimed him so he would know where I was, and he told me which phone I was allowed to use.
My ex-husband, 9:16 AM ET…I would’ve said I’m not doing anything wrong and I have nothing to hide so I’ll turn my location back on for the trip so you’ll know where I’m at and not worry that I’m somewhere I shouldn’t be.My ex-husband, 9:21 AM ET…I would’ve done a quick 30 second FaceTime just to put you at ease.My ex-husband, 11:47 AM ETKinda messed up that you haven’t turned your phone on yet. Plus you have a second phone that your husband doesn’t have the phone number for, but your boyfriend does. … If things were reversed you would f***ing eat me alive, but because I’m the big bad villain and you’re the poor little helpless victim I just have to eat sh*t and die for all you care.My ex-husband, 12:05 PM ETSo I guess you’re migrating over to your second phone? How else would you be on Facebook with your iPhone turned off? I’m not ok with that if you think we’re going to fix sh*t. Pick a phone and use one. That’s non-negotiable...My ex-husband, 5:39 PM ETYou must’ve gotten WiFi on the plane huh?My ex-husband, 5:39 PM ETGotta talk to your men in the air right?My ex-husband, 7:19 PM ETI’m sure you’re enjoying your time here on Facebook instead of spending time with your children..,My ex-husband, 7:58 PM ETIs this only for your other thirsty guys?My ex-husband, 8:03 PM ETPut your devices away and focus on your children
February 2022The night he kicked my door down
Source: Facebook message (a group chat) and my Facebook post
In February 2022 my ex-husband was taken to jail and I got a protection order. On February 15, 2022, I mentioned it in a group chat. In a post dated February 24, 2022, I wrote what had happened.
“When you find a loaded gun in your significant others vehicle…”Me, in a group chat, February 15, 2022, 4:25 PM ET
“He’s in jail tonight”Me, February 15, 2022, 4:25 PM ET
“Wellll I’m officially a single mom overnight - my husband kicked a wine glass out of my hand when I was sitting on a mat on the floor and got it all over the wall. I walked upstairs and locked myself in my bedroom and he kicked my locked door down so I called the cops and filed a report. He spent the night in jail and I got a protection order. He’s not allowed to contact me or come near my house till court next month.”Me, Facebook post, February 24, 2022, 9:34 PM ET
“I feel like the only way to actually break free of an abusive narc is to do it this way since they’re amazingly good at talking their way back into empaths good graces.”Me, same post
May 2022Feeling watched
Source: Facebook messages and a comment in a support group
After we separated, I kept writing that I felt watched.
May 1, 2022
“When I got away from mine it took weeks to stop looking over my shoulder to see if someone was behind me ready to give me sh*t for something”Me, to a friend, 2:46 AM ET
“I still feel like I’m being watched - there may be cameras in my house or recording devices still”Me, 2:47 AM ET
May 22, 2022
“Wow I can unfortunately relate to the stalking - I’m so sorry - I also developed autoimmune because of his abuse but thankfully also reversed it”Me, comment in a support group for mothers going through divorce, 7:35 PM ET
More from the record, year by year
More messages, posts and comments from before July 2022, each one dated.
2018
- June 26, 2018Source: Facebook post (a link I shared)
I shared an article about what it is like to be a complex trauma survivor of narcissistic abuse, and wrote:
“Wow this is like reading the story of my life....”Me, 10:30 AM ET
- November 13, 2018Source: Facebook post (a link I shared)
I shared an article about living with C-PTSD after an abusive relationship, and wrote:
“Been there. If you’re in this kind of relationship, message me, I can help. 💕”Me, 7:53 AM ET
2019
- August 30, 2019Source: Facebook post (a link I shared)
I shared an article titled “To A Girl Who Was Emotionally Abused, Love No Longer Means The Same Thing” with one word:
“Me”Me, 12:55 PM ET
- September 22, 2019Source: Facebook post (my status update)
Two months after his July 2019 apologies, I posted this.
“Your apologies mean jack sh*t if you keep doing what you’ve apologized for and keep acting the way you acted before. Change is the only valid apology in my world.”Me, 5:24 PM ET
- October 4, 2019Source: Facebook comment (on a public post)
I wrote about how close I had already come to leaving.
“…I came a hair trigger away from divorcing him before I decided I’d try one last attempt at helping him…”Me, 2:38 PM ET
2020
- April 16, 2020Source: Facebook comment (on a public post)
Four words, in a comment.
“my husband is my poison”Me, 8:17 AM ET
2021
- February 3, 2021Source: Facebook message (my ex-husband to me)
Four days before the February 7 messages, he wrote:
“Maybe I would feel better if my wife didn’t block me on Facebook”My ex-husband, 10:53 PM ET
2022
- January 25, 2022Source: Facebook message (to a friend)
Three weeks before we separated.
“I’m a different person when I’m not around my husband”Me, 6:15 PM ET
- February 5, 2022Source: Facebook post
Ten days before we separated, I asked other mothers for help.
“For those of you who had an abusive and unstable husband and you had [children] with him, how did you get away with the [children]? Did you just take them and go somewhere?”Me, 5:18 PM ET
- April 27, 2022Source: Facebook message (to a friend)
The day after I was served with divorce papers.
“…he filed the papers two months ago and has been mooching off me ever since. I cut his finances off yesterday and within an hour he had me served”Me, 7:31 AM ET
- April 28, 2022Source: Facebook message (to a business contact)
What I understood he was after.
“he thinks he’s getting custody … And money and liking … alimony”Me, 10:00 AM ET
- May 16, 2022Source: Facebook message (to a business contact)
Explaining why I had fallen behind on paperwork for my business.
“I had so much sh*t going on with my abusive husband I didn’t have a chance to get it filled out”Me, 4:00 PM ET